What if?

Strap on your boots, kids...it's time for another survey! Please, keep your applause and/or groans to yourself (Why would someone applause and groan at the same time? I have no idea...).

What if you found out you were adopted? There would be a lot of explaining to do. Seriously...I look like my older brother (or so I'm told). Of course, I only remember my mom being pregnant with my little brother, so maybe Seth and I adopted?? Oh, crap. Wait...no, no, no...I have my mom's eyes. Okay...I guess I'm not adopted. Phew...I was getting nervous.

What would you do if you walked into your house only to find your boyfriend and your mother making out? 1. I'd be pretty stoked that I have a boyfriend. 2. I wouldn't be surprised because I have a firm belief that my mom may be a cougar and she's 134% cooler than I'll ever be (and if my hypothetical boyfriend likes me, he'll love the original).

What if a stranger told you your partner was cheating on you? I'd probably let it simmer for about 9 years and then pick a fight at a completely inappropriate time...you know...like in church or something. Have you ever picked a fight in the middle of a church service? Believe me, you get some stares.

If you could adopt one personality trait from someone, who and what? I've written about it a few times. Let's see if you can go back through the archives and see what it would be. (Hint: You won't have to look back very far.)

What if you found out your BFF was sleeping with your partner? First my mom and now THIS?!?! My fake partner is a slut! Geez...it's time to break up with this dude!

What if your dog crapped on your bed? I'd say, "Well, this is peculiar...I don't even have a dog!"

What if you saw that George W Bush had fallen in a well in your back yard? I have so many different thoughts with this question. 1. Why is GWB a popular figure in online surveys? 2. I don't have a back yard...I have a back patio (that desperately needs to be power washed come spring, so I really don't even want GWB to be back there because it would be quite embarrassing). 3. A well? Really? Would that make him like the girl in The Ring?? Would he creepily climb out of my TV and try to kill me?

What if you found out your partner had a sex change? Dang. This partner of mine has some serious issues.

If you were to drown in a liquid, other than water, what would it be? Do I have to drown? Okay...ummm...laundry detergent. At least I'd smell clean.

What if soda was illegal, would you still drink it? Nah. I could probably kick that habit if I needed to. Can you imagine how expensive soda (or "pop" for all my Kansas pals) would become if it were put on the black market? It's already like $5 a case. Also..."black market" sounds racist. Just sayin'.

What if you could only have one friend, who would it be? My mom. (Go ahead and tear up now, Momzy. You know you want to...)

If the world ended tomorrow, do you think you will go to heaven? 100% positive.

If you were paid 100 million dollars to sleep with an HIV positive person, would you? Whoa. What kind of demented question is this? Also...the world is apparently ending tomorrow...so what am I going to do with 100 million dollars?

If you knew you couldn't get caught, would you rob a bank? Never ever. When did this survey take such a dark turn?

If you could have a super power, what one would you choose? Off the top of my head, I was thinking invisibility. The more I think about it, though...I really wouldn't want to hear what people would have to say about me when I'm not around. Ignorance is bliss. Sooo...ummm...I guess flying because it would be super easy to go on vacation. But still...it would take a long time to get to where I'm going. So I'm going to change it so super-sonic flying. THAT would be awesome.

If you had to move out of the state you're in, what state would you move to? Montana...I have no idea why.

If you could choose how you die, how would it happen? Is "in my sleep" an answer or is that too vague? I'm a big fan of a painless death.

If you could instantly play an instrument you never played, which one? I want to play the piano and Gary wants to play the harmonica (go ahead an picture it....Gary with a Neil Young-esque harmonica strapped around his tiny kitty head...awesome.)

If you could solve one unsolved crime, which one would you solve? The mystery of who stole my missing sock. I'm pretty sure someone stole it. There is no way that I could have possibly misplaced it.

If you could eliminate one word from English vocab, what would it be? Panties. (Chunks just rose in my throat by just typing it.)

If you lost all your hair, would you wear wigs or embrace your new look? I'd like to pretend that I would embrace it, but I'm just too vain.

What if your best friend of the same sex proposed marriage to you? Well, I know she's not a lezzy, because she was already bumpin' uglies with my partner. So, I'd probably say, "Heck no, woman! You were just bumpin' uglies with my slut of a partner!"

If given five dollars to spend in a dollar store, what would you buy? 5 figurines of a black Jesus sitting on a clown's lap. Man, dollar stores have some high class figurines.

If you had to keep your initials, but change your name, what would it be? Stefani Rodriguez (That sounds rather exotic, doesn't it???)

If you were a crayon color, which would you be? Black...like my soul. (Ahhhh....dramaticness...how I've missed you in this blog post...)

If in a circus, who would you be in the show? The hot ring leader ala Britney Spears in her video for Circus. I think I could pull it off.

If your life could have the same outcome as a movie, what movie? Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. Definitely. I'm pretty sure they get the White Castle in the end.

If someone were to be named after you, who would you want it to be? A baby. That would be nice. If you changed your name to be named after me...that would just be a little creepy.

If you were given a year supply of something, what would it be? Hams! (Have you ever watched Supermarket Sweep in the mid-90's??? You always go for the hams...they are worth the most. Hamloaf for everyone!!)

If you were given a prop from a movie, what movie would it be? Can Jude Law in The Holiday be considered a prop???

What if you found out you and your partner were blood related? Seeing that I have a ton of cousins, I actually give my boyfriends a blood test before we start dating just to make sure we're not blood related.