Monday, October 12, 2009

As tasty as poison and just as deadly...

I've fallen in love. I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did.

True, it's a woman and she just happens to be 81, but still...I am in love with her.

She was carrying a cane as she slowly walked into my life. I made her take a seat in the waiting room and I went out front to talk through her exam with her. She did most of the talking (which is how I suspect she gets impressionable young-ish people to fall in love with her). I asked her if she was married, divorced, or widowed and she responded, "OH! Divorced! He's 83 and I'm 81 and he wants me back, but I'm not going back to that man..."
Touche. Shame on me for assuming she was widowed.

I then asked her if she has had any surgeries and this is what followed, "Oh, yes. I've had hip surgeries in 1990 and 1995...maybe you should write that down...they were screws that were shaped like ice cream cones. This wonderful doctor did them. He was an Indian man with one eye...the funniest thing you'd ever see...up in Boston...Mass Gen to be exact. He did Hugh Downs' surgery and he was not happy that they did a story of Hugh Downs' knee replacement on 60 Minutes because everyone in America was calling him to do their surgeries. Anyway, he was wonderful. He opened my leg up like a book. It was so neat! So after the surgery, my hip never hurt again, it was just so loud. My husband, well EX-husband, used to say that it sounded like he was having sex with a set of dishes. Are you married, honey? Oh, are not and I'm talking like that...oh dear. My husband was so funny. He had so many one-liners. Come to think of it, maybe I should get back together with him??? So anyway, this same doctor also did Eunice Kennedy's joint replacement. Oh, she was such a (she puts her hands around her mouth to cover what she is about to say from the other patients) bitch. I never met her, that's just what I heard. I also heard that Elizabeth Taylor was one, too. Oh! Did you have more questions, honey?"

Did she seriously just talk smack about other 80-year olds???

I stammer on, "Ummm...well, do you have any kind of eye or ear implants?"

With excitement she says, "Of COURSE I do! I had my eyes taken care of because I'm not going to be one of those women that have to wear glasses! (Grabbing her boobs) I should have had other kinds of implants if you know what I'm talking about. Those would have been a lot more fun! Did you know that I had a daughter named 'Sarah'? Oh, yes...her name is Sarah, but we call her Sally."

Naturally her daughter named Sarah would be called Sally. That only makes sense.

After I question her a little longer, I step away and hear her saying, "I just have to keep remembering that these are the golden years."

Here's hoping that my future looks as awesome as hers...

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