Thursday, March 29, 2012

Feeling Thankful...

Much like a lot of people, I DVR a ton of shows. Everything from New Girl (hilarious!!) and Happy Endings (double hilarious!!) to CBS Sunday Morning (I'm 82 years old!) and Oprah's Master Class (wait - no...I'm a 47 year old divorced mother of 2 that is searching for insights from celebrities!).
One of the shows I watched today was Anderson (who doesn't love that dude?) - he was doing a show about the pink slime that is found in ground beef and I couldn't help but have an overwhelming feeling of thankfulness for the way I grew up.
I grew up in a family that ate organic before eating organic was popular. As a matter of fact, if I ever said the word "organic" to my dad, he would have looked at me like I had 12 heads.
Did I hate picking green beans every summer? Sure. Was I slightly embarrassed that every fall we'd have a dead cow hanging in our front yard? What 6th grader wouldn't be?! Thinking back, though, I can't help but feel thankful for the fact that I knew exactly what that dead cow ate - you know...the grass that I bag-mowed on a daily basis (yeah...we had a lot of yard to mow). I can't help but feel thankful that the only pesticides that were on the veggies that we ate pesticides. We just didn't eat the veggies that already eaten by pesticides needed!
I realize this was one of the most random posts ever, but I just wanted to say that I am thankful for a childhood that was filled with pink slime-less meat.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Random Question Wednesday - Week Tre

Which celebrity do you get mistaken for?
When I was young and had my whole life ahead of me, I was told that I looked like Sandra Bullock a lot. Now I'm told I look like Kristie Alley. Not even being 30 and being told that you look like a 60 year old isn't completely awesome.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
A teacher and a mom

When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time?
I'll re-watch Happy Endings for the 3rd time. That's the problem with my DVR - I have a ton of stuff to watch, because I watch the same funny episode of something 2 or 3 times.

What would you name the autobiography of your life?
Ummm...isn't this blog kind of my autobiography? So I guess it would be The Very Secret Public Diary of Sarah.

What songs are included on the soundtrack to your life?
How many tracks am I allowed to have on this soundtrack???

Is a picture worth a thousand words? Elaborate.
Of course it is. Have you ever tried to explain that picture of Lindsay Lohan looking like Debbie Harry? Wait - that's not hard. Lindsay Lohan looks like Debbie Harry. I guess that didn't take 1,000 words.

Where’s Waldo?
Still in the backseat of my grandma's car. She used to put Where's Waldo? books back there to shut us up during car rides.

The best part of waking up is?
Making it through the night alive!

How now brown cow?
Why then chicken?

Nottttttttt mucccccchhhhhhhh!!!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

The Wal-Mart of Bridal Stores (....but that's just being mean to Wal-Mart)

Way back in September of 2011, I went to David's Bridal to get a dress for Beth and Mike's wedding. Some men may not realize this, but many times you go into this giant store filled with dresses and they will only have the style and size to try on, but you'll have to order the color you need (and it will take up to 8 weeks for it to arrive). I remember trying on a hideous purple version of the black halter dress that was to be worn for the wedding and it fit perfectly. Naturally, the woman who was "helping" me (I say that VERY lightly) informed me that there were only two left in my size in the country and when I asked if she could get one of them for me, she sighed loudly and replied, "Well, I can give you their phone numbers."
Wow, honey...I'm so sorry that I put you out.
The moment I walked out of the store, I immediately pulled out my phone and called the first store. After putting me on hold for about 10 minutes, they informed me that my dress had been sold and hung up. At that time, my heart began to race - what would I do if the second (and last) location gave me the same answer!?!
I called and tried to kill the man with kindness, profusely thanking him for even answering the phone and telling him he'd save my life if he could find the dress in black. After holding for 25 minutes, I hung up and called back - the same guy answered and managed to twist the situation in a way to have me apologize for bugging him. He put me on hold again for 12 minutes and when he came back to the line, he exclaimed, "Yup! We've got it!"
I said with a smile in my voice, "Well, that was definitely worth the 35 minute wait!", at which he got wildly defensive and exclaimed, "It says on my phone that you've only been holding for 12 minutes, ma'am."
All I could spit out was, "Well, as you may remember - I hung up after the first 25 minutes because you forgot about me. Can I just give you my credit card number?"
After explaining to me that it would cost $30 to ship the dress, I gave him my credit card number and waited a week for the dress arrive. ($30 for ground shipping from Virginia to North Carolina? Are you kidding me??)
When it arrived I breathed a sigh of relief....until I tried it on and found that the reason that it was THE. LAST. DRESS. IN. AMERICA. was because it was wildly mislabeled.
Seeing that I only had about 3 weeks until the wedding and I wouldn't be able to lose enough weight to fit into the dress (well, without hacking off my left leg...and even then there is no way I would be able to zip it up over the gals), I had a minor freak out session. After calling around to the stores in the area, I found out that there was a black dress the next size up at one of the stores. When I asked if they could hold it until I could drive up there to pick it up later that night, they replied, "Ma'am, it is against our policy to hold dresses." (Seriously...why did they insist on calling me "ma'am", as if they are pretending to be nice?)
Since it was my last chance to get THE dress, I drove up north and picked up the dress that was too big. When I tried it on, they informed me that to take the dress in and have it actually fit me, it would cost $80. Were they easy fixes? Of course, but at a certain point you take a moment to throw your hands up in the air, then hand your credit card over and pray that the whole situation will be over soon.
Now please understand that when you buy a dress at David's Bridal, you sign a document that states that you cannot return the dress - so I still had a mislabeled dress on my hands. After they informed me that they wouldn't let me return the dress, Beth got involved (at first I thought they were just nicer to brides, but after hearing horror stories from my friends, it sounds like Beth just has stellar negotiating skills). She negotiated to have them allow me exchange the mislabeled dress for other merchandise, but not the cost of the alterations. Sadly (after my entire horrible experience) I filed that under the "win" column (you've got to find wins anywhere you can get them, right??)

Fast forward to the wedding coming up at the end of May...
Yesterday I stopped by the David's Bridal up north to try on a long dress. When I was searching for my size, the woman looked at me and said, "Go two sizes up". I wanted to punch her in the face (as I was very aware to what size I should be wearing according to David's Bridal after the infamous October Debacle). When I tried on the dress she told me to, I walked out of the dressing room (WHY DO THEY NOT HAVE MIRRORS IN THE DRESSING ROOMS!?!?!?) and I was greeted with a tiny gasp from a sweet high school student shopping for her (whore-y) prom dress (PS. Not to age myself, but why are teenagers dressing like slutbags when they attend their proms these days??? These young whipper-snappers today...). my rant.
She sweetly said, "Honey, you need to go down like 3 sizes. That dress is WAY too big on you."
When I asked the saleslady for a smaller size she let me know that they didn't have my size and I could check any of the stores down south "either the one 40 minutes from here...or in Atlanta, or you could drive down to Florida, because it could take from 8 to 15 weeks to order the dress and May 25th may just be too soon".

I smiled, updated my Facebook status to exclaim how much I hated David's Bridal (I am so freaking passive-aggressive), and drove home. This morning, I headed down south to church to pray for a little luck (and also for the safety of the associates at the "down south" David's Bridal). After church I was one of the first customers in the store where the associate was awesome in helping me find my dress. Quietly thanking God for my dress-getting fortune, I thanked the woman for being so kind and she replied with a smile, "I'm new here."

I don't think she understood what I was talking about when I replied, "Oh. That explains it."
Pretend this dress is in black and you'll be able to picture the dress I was searching for...

I realize that I'm not the first to complain about David's Bridal (go ahead and Google search "David's Bridal Customer Service" - it's never good), but how does the company not realize that they would get so much more business if they were actually nice?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Random Question Wednesday - Week Zwei

If you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before, what would you paint?
A mountain scene with happy trees. I'd also grow an awesome fro.

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?
Is this like the movie In Time where people stop aging at 25?

If you knew the world was ending in 2012, what would you do differently?
I would definitely not be putting money into a 401K!

If you could witness any event past, present or future, what would it be?
There are many events that are running through my mind from Bible times - I'm sure it would be one of those.

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?
I would love to learn how to run a marathon, but as the doctor said, "Sarah, you're not built to be a runner, you idiot!" (He may not have added "you idiot" to the end of that, but whatever...)

If you were immortal for a day, what would you do?
Ehhh...probably sit on my couch and try to catch on my DVR'd shows, but I would call my friends and say, "Guess what? I'm immortal today!"

If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?
I would probably change it to something classic - like Kathryn.

If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?
Pay off all of my friends' and family's bills. I would love for everyone I love to never worry about money.

If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose?
Lennie in Of Mice and Men. (Weren't expecting that, were you?)

If you were reincarnated as an ice cream flavor, what would it be?
Cookie Dough, yo!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Kudos, Jason Mraz!

Who doesn't love this song right now?

Every time it comes on Vh1 Top 20, I can't help but rewind it and watch it again...and again.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Random Question Wednesday - Week Uno

What was your favorite food when you were a child?
It was definitely the same favorite food that I have as an adult - mashed potatoes.

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?
On my current iTunes list (I'm too lazy to go check my iPod), it looks like Matt Nathanson "Faster" has been played 65 times. I honestly don't know how that is even possible as it isn't really my favorite song of his. The second place spot is taken by Counting Crows "Omaha" from their August and Everything After - Live at Town Hall album.

What is one of your favorite quotes?
"Don't regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many." It was printed on the lid of a Snapple.

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?
I feel like this is really two different questions. Lucky for you - my favorite indoor activity is the same as my favorite outdoor activity. Drinking wine. It's an activity for all season and locations.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
By the looks of my kitchen, I would say "Cleaning my bathtub"

What is your favorite form of exercise?
Running. I am fairly certain it will be the death of me.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?
Time of day - 6pm
Day of the week - Friday
Month of the year - October

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?
Ummm...I can't really say I have a least favorite mode of transportation. Anything that gets me from point A to point B is pretty stellar in my book.

What is your favorite body part?
Of my own? Probably my eyeballs - they remind me of my momzy.

What sound do you love?
Who doesn't love the sound of a baby laughing?

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Real Housewives

When I went out of town this past weekend, the joke was that we were filming The Real Housewives of Asheville. Ten girls (wait - nine girls and one Adam) in one house was definitely a recipe for a few dramatic outbursts.

Even though I don't watch any of the "Real Housewives" shows, I can only imagine that this SNL skit is not that far off...

Sunday, March 11, 2012

The Rebirth

This weekend I took a little trip to Asheville, NC for my friend Lauren's bachelorette festivities. I rode up with my dear friend Amanda and part of the conversation we were having during the drive was her asking why I don't blog anymore. I honestly didn't have a good answer - other than I don't have the time, creativity, or attention span to do it. I'm naming this particular blog post "The Rebirth", because I feel like if I liken myself to a rap artist, it may spur me into being able to overcome things like ADD and gun shot wounds that I sustain while frequenting nightclubs.
So this blog is for you, Amanda. May this blog remind you of the time you lived in Mexico and you were so hard up for entertainment that you turned to the interwebs and read about my life.

After running around like a mad woman to get everything together for the trip, I made it up to Huntersville to meet Amanda. We arrived to the house (after a few questionable turns) around 6:45 - we would have walked into the house earlier, but we spent about 15 minutes trying to figure out where to park. Amanda and I were the last to arrive on Friday night and that meant that we were the ones that got the ol' "Not sure where you'll sleep, but there is a pull out couch in the basement!"
To be honest, there was about a 3 minute feeling of dismay, until I walked downstairs. Now, when you are told that you're going to be sleeping in a basement, it could go one of two ways - the basement will either be a dungeon that has no heat and is the breeding ground for wildlife or it is finished and has heat. Thankfully, it was the latter and those suckers managed to accidentally give us the best sleeping spot in the hizzy (although, the pull out couch was pretty much a "v" and I wouldn't recommend sleeping on it unless you are very comfortable snuggling with your sleeping mate).
After popping a few bottles (I had to throw "popping bottles" into this blog, since again...Sarah=Rap Artist), the astrologers arrived. Oh, yes. You read that right...we had astrologers come.
Now let me be clear that I absolutely don't believe that my birth time/date has anything to do with my personality, but it really did feel like a group therapy session. We split up into two groups and Eric spent 30 minutes on each person in our group to discuss the individual challenges we experience being the sign that we are. I really did feel like I could pull something from the stuff he was telling everyone else, so I just chalked the whole thing up to being a super cheap 2 hour therapy session. I did find it comical that I pulled more from the stuff he was telling Amanda than I could pull from what he was telling me. He kept telling me that I needed to get back to "the scene of the crime" in my past and learn to show emotion. (If you know me at all, please insert your eye roll here.)
To put this lightly - some members of our therapy session handled the revelations a little better than others. Draw your own conclusions from that.
My night ended around 12:30a and I was able to fall asleep without anyone drawing anything on my face or putting my hand in warm water. Win!

I woke up around 7 and Amanda and I ran to the grocery store to pick up some milk to make breakfast. I was told the night before that people would probably be waking up earlier than usual, because they were sleeping in an unfamiliar place. In my head, I thought, "That means breakfast should be ready by 10, because they will wake up around 9:30!"

I was wrong. Wait - let me be more descriptive. I was wrong AND the house had such awesome acoustics that my breakfast-making managed to wake everyone up and apparently gave them the feeling that they wanted to murder me. (Whoops!) The take-away from Saturday morning, was that when people say "I'm going to wake up early" - get a specific time.
By the time everyone really woke up early (around noon), we lounged around for awhile until we went to late lunch/early dinner and then came home for everyone to get ready for the bachelorette shower (I wonder if guys give their soon-to-be wed friend presents??? Picturing a bunch of guys sitting around saying "Ohh...that's going to be so pretty on your wedding night!" is just funny to me...).
After properly outfitting Lauren for her honeymoon, we headed to downtown Asheville for the "going out" portion of the evening. We started at Tressa's Jazz Bar where I was able to witness a man with an 8" rattail, fanny pack, a bandage on his lip, and a creepy look on his face grind on his classy lady. Normally, it would be inappropriate to stare, but in this case - they didn't notice that I was watching them like a horrific car wreck had just occurred and I was waiting to see if there were any survivors.
Lauren was in her full bachelorette glory with the classy men of Tressa's. I am fairly certain I heard the words "I will dance with you, but if you touch me, I will cut you."
They were totally okay with that and fought over dancing with our gal.
Around 1a, we headed to a gay bar in Asheville, which was definitely eye-opening for me.
There are some places that you would love to revisit from your past - Scandals was not one of those places for me. It was like visiting a strobe-lit nightmare and the stench of the smoke machines took me immediately back to 2001.
We walked in when the drag show was going on. Now, don't get me wrong, I love a good drag show (lie), but if you're a cross-dressing male, don't hot glue fake foliage from Michael's Craft Store to a unitard and call it a costume. You look like a fool and are giving women and your cross-dressing counterparts a bad name.
As I was listening to Foster the People's "Pumped Up Kicks", I couldn't help but wonder how the band feels about their ditty being turned into a ear-piercing beat for shirtless men to dance to (Oh Asheville, shirtless men? Really?? You allow things that so many other cities would consider unhygienic). A song about a homicidal teen!?! LET'S ALL DANCE TO IT!!! YAY!

We arrived home around 3:30a and everyone raided the fridge before I fell asleep around 4, only to be woken up at 5:30 by a gal looking for sheets. Do you know what it feels like to have someone turn on the lights when you have just hit some serious REM sleep? I'm normally a nice gal, but it almost turned me into a murderous beast. Thank God "Pumped Up Kicks" wasn't playing - I would have told her that she better run, better run, outrun my gun....she better run, better run, faster than my bullet.

My alarm went off at 7am and Amanda, Adam, and I left the house to get home by 9am. Although it was super painful waking up, it was very nice taking a 6 hour nap today in my own bed. At what point does a "nap" turn into a "second sleep"?

All in all, the weekend provided some serious comedic moments and memories.

Cheers, Lauren! Enjoy your last two months as a non-married gal!