Friday, September 24, 2010

Because I don't actually want to discuss my life...

If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as?
Not as someone dress in clothes from the 60's. Dang...I need to find an outfit for Monday's photo shoot. Did you know that dressing up as a hippie can save women from breast cancer??? Yeah, I didn't know that until recently...

What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger?
Ketchup, mustard, mayo, minced McDonalds-y type onions, cheese, pickles, extra pickles...and can you put a couple more pickles on that??

When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
"Ugh. I need to tan tonight. Wait...what is THAT??? Oh, crap."

How much cash do you have on you?
Thanks for pointing out my lack of cash on me, stupid online survey about nonsense...

Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Angelo. He always calls at wildly inappropriate when I'm sleeping.

What is your favorite ring on your phone?
The one that indicates that I'm getting a phone call.

What shirt are you wearing?
The same sweatshirt that I've worn every night for the last 27 days. It's really comfy and not at all ratty or stained.

Bright or Dark Room?
Dark. Definitely dark. Actually, I just decided that I wanted my work space to be more "home-y", so I had the handyman take out the fluorescent bulbs above my desk and replaced it with a lovely desk lamp. It's magic.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleep is my favorite activity ever.

What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
"So what's your status?"

Where is your nearest 7-11?
Probably somewhere in Tennessee.

What's a word that you say a lot?
Unfortunately, I've started to say, "Oh, heavens" way too much. I cringe every time I hear it slip out of my mouth.

Who told you he/she loved you last?
I just got an email from my friend Shana that said she loved was like a warm hug.

Last furry thing you touched?

How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Zero point zero zero

What is your current desktop picture?
Logan hugging Teddy

What was the last thing you said to someone?
Probably something along the lines of, "Am I annoying you again??" or "Do I talk too much?"

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
Fly...nooo...a million! Flying. Definitely flying orrrrrrrr...a million dollars.

Do you like someone?
I like a lot of people.

What was the last song that you heard?
"Tickle me and rub my belly...." (By the annoying purple toy thing on The League)

Wow. This was a short survey.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Freedom of speech for everyone...but YOU.

A friend of mine got verbally spanked yesterday for posting something on her Facebook status update. I can't quote her directly (since she felt she had to delete it within 24 hours), but it was something along the lines of, "I am so tired of people complaining about not being able to lose weight when they don't exercise or eat right."
You better believe that I both "liked" and commented the crap out of that status update. How frustrating is it to have someone complain over and over again about something in their life on Facebook and do absolutely zero to fix it?? I have been tempted numerous times to comment back to those people, "Well, maybe you should get off Facebook and go take a jog.", but you know me and my big, bleeding heart...I can't hurt people's feelings (or something like that).
Now, I'll be the first person to say that sure, I have some weight to lose (along with about 75% of the other people in this country), but also...I would never say this on Facebook. Because, really...who wants to be bombarded with complaints when they check in to see what's happening with their friends and family in the morning?? I'm going to be honest with all of you. Sometimes I'll do dramatic readings for my work friends of all of the complaints that I find on Facebook. Yes...if you are one that complains on a regular basis...I have probably made fun of you (although, don't worry...your name was never used, since no one in North Carolina knows or cares who you are). I'd rather not give anyone ammunition to do something similar with my words.
I don't understand how people can continue to say, "I don't know why I can't lose weight."
It's simple. You eat more than you move. Now that you have the answer, will you stop blaming other things on the reason you "can't" lose weight?

So, back to the story...last night, Stephanie posted an apology for the people who got their feelings hurt.
"I feel terribly for the status I put yesterday. If you read this and I offended you I am so very sorry. I am very passionate about seeing people reach their fitness goals. I know better than to speak my mind on here. :\"

Does anyone else see a problem with this??
I say that if one person has the right to complain, then it also gives everyone else the right to respond. Sure, not many people like to have a mirror held up to them (and I suspect that is the very reason why Stephanie's comment hurt some feelings), but who said a mirror is a bad thing?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The grandparents that no one wants...

There was a 70 year old patient that called me the other day. He was terrified (TERRIFIED!) of needles and small, enclosed spaces. Seeing that he needed to get an injection and he also needed to be enclosed in a million dollar coffin for about 45 minutes, I had the splendid task of talking him off his self-imposed ledge that he had managed to climb up on. It was a 20 minute conversation filled with him throwing out statements such as, “If you mess this up, I WILL find out where you live!”
I tell ya, there in nothing quite like a 70 year old man telling you that he’ll take you down if you “mess up”. How do you respond to that? Oh! Fun game! Multiple choice!! Here we go…

How did Sarah respond to the crazy man that threatened her over the telephone?
A. “Ohhh, don’t get too excited. I’m sure everything will be fine.”
B. “It wouldn’t be my fault if something bad were to happen!”
C. “I’ll give you a head start on where to find me. I live in Cornelius.”
D. “Have to talked to your doctor about getting some Valium?”

Alright…do you have your answer locked in???
Even though I eventually did ask him “D”, I responded to the threat with “C”. I don’t know…maybe I was feeling particularly snarky that day, but for some reason it worked. He stopped threatening me…I guess because he realized that I wouldn’t really put up much of a fight. My favorite thing is that within .34 seconds, I had the thought, “Do I respond to him with my address? Nah…even though I’m sure Chris would be able to take down this guy, I’m 100% sure he wouldn’t appreciate the fact that he would have to off a senior citizen for me. I guess I’ll just give him my city and let him use his magical powers to figure out my address if he really wants to kill me….”

The man walked into my office yesterday with his wife and asked, “Are you Sarah?” (be proud that I refrained from pointing to my name badge and saying, “What was your first clue?”). After helping him with his paperwork and getting him settled down for a bit, his wife walked up to my desk to show me something she saw in People magazine. It was a story on the Duggars.

Now, some people know this, but it’s kind of a fun fact about me that no one really finds that fun…
I heart the Duggars. I think they are the most amazing family. They live debt-free and all 19 of their kids are respectful and sweet. Michelle Duggar raises her kids with so much love…it’s quite inspirational (I know you can’t see me right now, but I actually just went to my happy place thinking about the awesomeness of the Duggars).

Anywhoozles, back to the wife…
So she shows me a picture of the Duggars and says, “Can you BELIEVE these people?!?! It’s just awful what they are doing!”
I inquired as to why she was so against them and I thought her response was so incredibly telling, “Well, even though they aren’t costing the government money, one of their kids will. I guarantee it! I always say that people should never have children, just have dogs. You can get a new dog every 14 years or so. Kids are around forever…and then they bring THEIR kids around. Ugh! It’s awful.”
I asked her after that what kind of dogs she has and she exclaimed, “OH! I don’t have any dogs…just kids. And grandkids! I’m telling you…don’t ever have them. They’ll come over to your house and mess up your stuff. By the way…feel how heavy my (gold and diamond encrusted) watch is. Isn’t it great? I got it as a gift from my husband.”

I sat there shocked. How can someone talk so nonchalantly about wishing she never had kids and grandkids and how she’d gladly trade them for a dog?!?!
Personally, I thought it was hilarious that she was trying to tell me that the Duggars were crazy. I so badly wanted to say, “Hey, honey…have a seat. Let’s talk about crazy. Your husband threatened me over the phone, then came in to my office and threatened me again. After that, you came up to tell me that you don’t care for your kids and grandkids and would much rather have a dog. Also, to show how little you think of your declaration of disinterest in your offspring, you handed me your Rolex to show it off like it held more weight than your words. THAT is what I call crazy.”

Of course, I can't say that to a patient (or his wife) and therefore, I just sat there with the same stupid grin on my face that I have every time I'm biting my tongue.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Dreams and whatnot.

I had a dream last night that keeps bothering me today. I know, I know…everyone loves to hear about dreams (it comes in at a close second to getting your teeth drilled on at the dentist’s office). I’m pretty much convinced that only one person will read this, but here it is…

I was taking a test in class and it was half multiple choice and half short answer/opinion type questions. My boss was my teacher and after grading the tests, she handed mine back. I got all of the multiple choice questions correct, but I missed all of the short answer questions. When I inquired with my boss/teacher why this was (since I was quite sure that my answers were correct), she simply stated, “Because it doesn’t matter what you say, your opinions will always be wrong.”

So…please share. What does this dream mean??

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I hate to break it to you, babe...but I'm not drowning...

Happy Sara Bareilles Day!
Okay, I'm not a huge fan or anything. I generally don't care for girl singers (I'm sure I have some sort of psychological affliction that has caused these lukewarm feelings towards songstresses), but I can't stop watching this video.

Here's hoping her entire album (that comes out today) is just as super as this song...

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Women and children.

Today I want to discuss a few situations that I have come across in the last month. They all have to do with women and children and judging.

1. The other day I went to Food Lion. For people unfamiliar with Food Lion, it's like Harris Teeter's inbred cousin. For people unfamiliar with Harris Teeter,'s obvious that you don't read my blog very often since I write about the Teet every other week. Now...back to my recent trip to the Food Lion...
As I was checking out, the 25-ish year old cashier with a few missing teeth asked if my kids were ready to go back to school. I simply replied, "I don't have any kids."
To which she replied with a simple, "Uh ohhhh!!"
Go ahead and read her response out loud. "Uh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
I felt good.

2. There have probably been 17 or so instances (most recently about a week ago) when a patient at work has asked if I am married, then inquired as to if I have birthed children. They always seem to give one of two responses after I tell them no on both accounts.
Either " will happen before you know it!" or "Why not?"
My favorite is the "Why not??", like it's a question that can be answered. I'm starting to think that I need to give a, "My fiance left me for my grandma!" or just start sobbing uncontrollably.

3. A couple days ago a 20 year old friend of mine on Facebook stated, "I hate when people only talk about their kids on one cares."
I commented, "I was thinking the same thing!"
Then an influx of angry mothers commented after that with such gems as, "Wait til u have kids b4 you make that judgment."
All that meant to me was that being a mother makes you too busy to type out words, but not too busy to not have time for Facebook.
I felt irritated that all of these moms felt it necessary to verbally slam a 20 year old with an opinion that the conversation stopped when I said something along the lines of, "There is a difference between talking about your kids and talking ONLY about your kids, you bitter wenches."

4. I believe I've written about this before, but there is a woman at my work who has told me multiple times, "Sarah, you don't know love until you have a child."
Needless to say, I am not friends with this person.

So this brings me to my question...

Why do strangers find it appropriate to comment about the status of my uterus usage (or non-usage, rather)??