Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The grandparents that no one wants...

There was a 70 year old patient that called me the other day. He was terrified (TERRIFIED!) of needles and small, enclosed spaces. Seeing that he needed to get an injection and he also needed to be enclosed in a million dollar coffin for about 45 minutes, I had the splendid task of talking him off his self-imposed ledge that he had managed to climb up on. It was a 20 minute conversation filled with him throwing out statements such as, “If you mess this up, I WILL find out where you live!”
I tell ya, there in nothing quite like a 70 year old man telling you that he’ll take you down if you “mess up”. How do you respond to that? Oh! Fun game! Multiple choice!! Here we go…

How did Sarah respond to the crazy man that threatened her over the telephone?
A. “Ohhh, don’t get too excited. I’m sure everything will be fine.”
B. “It wouldn’t be my fault if something bad were to happen!”
C. “I’ll give you a head start on where to find me. I live in Cornelius.”
D. “Have to talked to your doctor about getting some Valium?”

Alright…do you have your answer locked in???
Even though I eventually did ask him “D”, I responded to the threat with “C”. I don’t know…maybe I was feeling particularly snarky that day, but for some reason it worked. He stopped threatening me…I guess because he realized that I wouldn’t really put up much of a fight. My favorite thing is that within .34 seconds, I had the thought, “Do I respond to him with my address? Nah…even though I’m sure Chris would be able to take down this guy, I’m 100% sure he wouldn’t appreciate the fact that he would have to off a senior citizen for me. I guess I’ll just give him my city and let him use his magical powers to figure out my address if he really wants to kill me….”

The man walked into my office yesterday with his wife and asked, “Are you Sarah?” (be proud that I refrained from pointing to my name badge and saying, “What was your first clue?”). After helping him with his paperwork and getting him settled down for a bit, his wife walked up to my desk to show me something she saw in People magazine. It was a story on the Duggars.

Now, some people know this, but it’s kind of a fun fact about me that no one really finds that fun…
I heart the Duggars. I think they are the most amazing family. They live debt-free and all 19 of their kids are respectful and sweet. Michelle Duggar raises her kids with so much love…it’s quite inspirational (I know you can’t see me right now, but I actually just went to my happy place thinking about the awesomeness of the Duggars).

Anywhoozles, back to the wife…
So she shows me a picture of the Duggars and says, “Can you BELIEVE these people?!?! It’s just awful what they are doing!”
I inquired as to why she was so against them and I thought her response was so incredibly telling, “Well, even though they aren’t costing the government money, one of their kids will. I guarantee it! I always say that people should never have children, just have dogs. You can get a new dog every 14 years or so. Kids are around forever…and then they bring THEIR kids around. Ugh! It’s awful.”
I asked her after that what kind of dogs she has and she exclaimed, “OH! I don’t have any dogs…just kids. And grandkids! I’m telling you…don’t ever have them. They’ll come over to your house and mess up your stuff. By the way…feel how heavy my (gold and diamond encrusted) watch is. Isn’t it great? I got it as a gift from my husband.”

I sat there shocked. How can someone talk so nonchalantly about wishing she never had kids and grandkids and how she’d gladly trade them for a dog?!?!
Personally, I thought it was hilarious that she was trying to tell me that the Duggars were crazy. I so badly wanted to say, “Hey, honey…have a seat. Let’s talk about crazy. Your husband threatened me over the phone, then came in to my office and threatened me again. After that, you came up to tell me that you don’t care for your kids and grandkids and would much rather have a dog. Also, to show how little you think of your declaration of disinterest in your offspring, you handed me your Rolex to show it off like it held more weight than your words. THAT is what I call crazy.”

Of course, I can't say that to a patient (or his wife) and therefore, I just sat there with the same stupid grin on my face that I have every time I'm biting my tongue.


Julie said...

I totally guessed "C". Yes! And that was a funny comeback! Kudos on your witty snarkiness!

whatnot said...

I certainly hope these people were the exception and the not rule for the type of people you have to deal with on a daily basis. Ugh. Total buzz killer.