Monday, September 28, 2009
Here is my question...how do you train for something like this?
So...who is with me? Who wants to do the 2010 USMC Mud Run???
Side note: I will be walking in the Komen Race for the Cure with Jackie, Phil, Beth, and Mike this coming Saturday morning (October 3rd). Well...Phil and Mike will be running, but you get the picture. If anyone else would like to sign up, we're on Brotha Fred's team from 96.1 The Beat...
Here is the link!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
How lucky for me! With a quick entering of my credit card information, I could meet the guy in the picture accompanying the ad! Wait a gosh-darn minute...is that...is that...CHRIS DAUGHTRY!?!? I'm not really sure what he's more famous for at this point: American Idol, being the namesake of his critically-acclaimed band Daughtry (Did he steal that idea from Jon Bon Jovi, btw??), or being the face of online dating sites.
It is no secret that many people in my life have been very vocal about how I need to sign up for match.com. It's actually quite amazing how many of my friends have been such huge advocates for that particular dating website. It's almost as if the great people of match.com have gone around and paid off my friends to do everything in their power to get me to sign up. I've heard everything from, "It's a slow day at work today...let's get you signed up for match.com!" to "Let's get toasted and make you a profile!"
At first I thought it was just a few good friends doing the whole Sarah-needs-to-try-something-new thing, but I'm now realizing that it may be something far more sinister. I have "friends" that want me to get intoxicated and try to sell myself online. Now I'm not going to lie. I have been known to have a couple glasses of wine and write on this very blog (shameful, I know). Those blogs are usually characterized by a few spelling mistakes, many grammar-related issues, and a lot of repetitiveness. But who is going to judge me? One of my six (I'm up to six now! Thanks mom, Alison, Beth, Wendy, Mike, and Thomas!!!) followers??? Doubtful.
The bigger question is...who will judge me if I get a little saucy and make a dating profile that says, "I enjoy long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners. You must be between the ages of 22 and 87 and you must be between 4'11" and 7'2", but other than those two things...I don't really judge. Well, unless you're ugly...then I have no use for you."????
Probably every man that looks at my profile.
They will get sucked in because I'll put a picture of Megan Fox up and pretend that I look like her. (Here's a hint, ladies: If boys think you look like Megan Fox, they will be pretty forgiving when it comes to all other things.) They will then realize that they don't want to "wink" at me because I come off as indecisive, because who wants a guy between the ages of 22 and 87 and puts the height range anywhere between 4'11" and 7'2"? Someone who is indecisive, that's who.
Honestly, I don't know if I particularly enjoy long walks on the beach. The last time I took a long walk on the beach, there was a multitude of odd looking crabs that, quite frankly, scared me a little. As for candlelit dinners, well...I like all kinds of dinners. I actually think I prefer the kind of dinner that's at a sports bar (that kind of dinner usually includes something fried...you can't go wrong with things that are fried). Candlelit dinners tend to carry high expectations with them and who needs that letdown??
When it comes down to it, I've been looking for the same 3 criteria to be met for about 11 years now. They are non-negotiables. You can be a Cubs fan, but if you meet these 3 things...I'll forgive you for that extreme error in judgment (I'll continue to make fun of you, but at least I'll forgive you). I don't care what you look like, I am looking for someone that I can spend the rest of my life with and these things are the things that will give you staying power in my book...
1. You must be a Christian. I really don't care what denomination you came from, but you better know where you stand when it comes to the Big Guy.
2. You must be respectful. Respectful of me. Respectful of my family. Respectful of my friends. I realize that some girls are independent and don't like doors opened for them....those girls are stupid.
3. You must be funny. Oh, son....I better think you are hilarious. I am not the kind of person that will laugh just to appease you and your ego, so if I'm laughing...you're in.
After the recent influx of requests for me to start an online dating profile, I feel as though I need to add a #4. So, here you go...
4. You must be a man that I did not meet online.
Don't get me wrong. If you are doing the whole online dating thing, more power to you. But let me repeat myself one last time. (I'm going to clear my throat here so that I can say this as clearly as possible...)
I. WILL. NEVER. DO. IT.
Does that mean that I'm cutting out a huge portion of the dating pool? Yes. Absolutely. I know that.
For me it comes down to the fact that I am more comfortable being single for the rest of my life than going online and trying to sell it.
But really...who wouldn't want this??
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I'm hosting a dinner party next week, and I'll be serving both beer and wine alongside the meal. Which has the lower carbon footprint? Beer has to be kept refrigerated, which requires energy, but shipping wine in those heavy bottles can't be good for the planet, either.
Okay. Anybody? Anybody!??!?!
How can this be a serious question that someone wrote to an online answer guru? Are people really that deep of thinkers? If you're that worried about it, don't drink.
I'm going to quote (or at least close-to-quote) Mike Grosz on this one, "Save the children, don't recycle."
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
8. Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
12. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
13. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
14. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
15. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
16. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
17. Was learning cursive really necessary?
18. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
19. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
20. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
21. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
23. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)...ummm...Goonies"
24. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
25. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
26. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
27. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
28. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
29. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
30. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
31. Bad decisions make good stories
32. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
33. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
34. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
35. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
36. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
37. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
38. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.
39. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
40. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
41. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
42. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
43. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
44. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
45. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
46. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
47. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
48. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
49. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
50. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
51. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
52. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
53. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
54. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than with Kay.
55. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
Monday, September 14, 2009
September 13th: This is all I have to say about Sunday...
Hamburger Helper (yum!).
Three Olives Berry.
It was lover-ly.
Phew....I hope that was enough substance.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I saw this on the Award Family Photos website and I laughed so hard at the picture and one of the captions that I thought I'd share this little slice of happiness with my nearest and dearest....
Do do do do doo… Here I am walking down the street in my Speedo. Oops… what time is it? Let me check my trusty watch. Yup. It’s Speedo time! Lucky me! Do do do do dooo!
You are welcome.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Now....a few thoughts...
1. Did they seriously raise the roof in their Snuggies?
2. Did they REALLY just play Pictionary and the "artwork" was of a Snuggie...while they wore a Snuggie??
3. Haley needs a Snuggie....and possibly a pair of reading glasses!!!!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Wednesday: I finally got to see Eric Hutchinson live. Jealous? No? Well, okay then. Maybe after I tell you this gem you will be...
After dinner at Hawthorne's (ps...don't order the buffalo chicken stomboli...it's not very buffalo-y), we went to get primo seats at the Visulite. "What???", you ask, "Primo seats where you can see the stage and everything??"
Yes, dear ones...we had fantastic seats where we could have made visual contact with Eric Hutchinson's sweaty bangs.
Unfortunately, I didn't take stupid tall girls into account when we were picking out our seats. Of course, the people that went (Scott, Sheesh, Chris, and I) aren't known for their confrontational skills, so we were nothing but passive-aggressive in trying to get the girls to move (ie. saying "I wish I could SEE...if only PEOPLE wouldn't stand in front of us" and I tried flicking my straw absent-mindedly towards them so that they would wonder where the cold drops were coming from and move). Of course, they could see perfectly (and apparently hear each other perfectly, because they wouldn't shut up), so they were not going to move.
Although I SAW very little of Eric Hutchinson's show, I have to say...it was still great.
Friday: After work, I went to a party with Beth. Normally I'm not so comfortable when I only know one person, but I have to say....it wasn't so bad. It actually wasn't bad at all! I realized that I should probably get out of my comfort zone more often. Oh, wait...who am I kidding?? I will use this party as an "I already got out of my comfort zone this year!" excuse from now until December.
Saturday/Sunday: I drifted in and out of consciousness, only showering late in the evening because I couldn't go to bed at night with greaseball hair. I watched two "classic" movies (Mallrats and Big) and talked to Gary like he was human. Quite relaxing if I do say so myself.
Monday: After work I became obsessed with poker on Facebook. I was playing my cousin for about 3 hours. Poker is a lot of fun when you're not playing with real money. "Yes! I will raise you $20, I say! I will never fold....NEV-ER (I don't care if I have a 2 and a 9, that could be something, right?????)!!"
Well, that's all I have for now. I hope you all have a great September (when did summer end!?!?!?!)!!