Sunday, September 27, 2009

I'm looking for someone who will love me anyway.

I found it funny. I was on Facebook and saw a little advertisement to the right of my screen...

Meet Single Guys in Your Area

How lucky for me! With a quick entering of my credit card information, I could meet the guy in the picture accompanying the ad! Wait a gosh-darn minute...is that...is that...CHRIS DAUGHTRY!?!? I'm not really sure what he's more famous for at this point: American Idol, being the namesake of his critically-acclaimed band Daughtry (Did he steal that idea from Jon Bon Jovi, btw??), or being the face of online dating sites.

It is no secret that many people in my life have been very vocal about how I need to sign up for match.com. It's actually quite amazing how many of my friends have been such huge advocates for that particular dating website. It's almost as if the great people of match.com have gone around and paid off my friends to do everything in their power to get me to sign up. I've heard everything from, "It's a slow day at work today...let's get you signed up for match.com!" to "Let's get toasted and make you a profile!"

At first I thought it was just a few good friends doing the whole Sarah-needs-to-try-something-new thing, but I'm now realizing that it may be something far more sinister. I have "friends" that want me to get intoxicated and try to sell myself online. Now I'm not going to lie. I have been known to have a couple glasses of wine and write on this very blog (shameful, I know). Those blogs are usually characterized by a few spelling mistakes, many grammar-related issues, and a lot of repetitiveness. But who is going to judge me? One of my six (I'm up to six now! Thanks mom, Alison, Beth, Wendy, Mike, and Thomas!!!) followers??? Doubtful.

The bigger question is...who will judge me if I get a little saucy and make a dating profile that says, "I enjoy long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners. You must be between the ages of 22 and 87 and you must be between 4'11" and 7'2", but other than those two things...I don't really judge. Well, unless you're ugly...then I have no use for you."????

Probably every man that looks at my profile.

They will get sucked in because I'll put a picture of Megan Fox up and pretend that I look like her. (Here's a hint, ladies: If boys think you look like Megan Fox, they will be pretty forgiving when it comes to all other things.) They will then realize that they don't want to "wink" at me because I come off as indecisive, because who wants a guy between the ages of 22 and 87 and puts the height range anywhere between 4'11" and 7'2"? Someone who is indecisive, that's who.

Honestly, I don't know if I particularly enjoy long walks on the beach. The last time I took a long walk on the beach, there was a multitude of odd looking crabs that, quite frankly, scared me a little. As for candlelit dinners, well...I like all kinds of dinners. I actually think I prefer the kind of dinner that's at a sports bar (that kind of dinner usually includes something fried...you can't go wrong with things that are fried). Candlelit dinners tend to carry high expectations with them and who needs that letdown??

When it comes down to it, I've been looking for the same 3 criteria to be met for about 11 years now. They are non-negotiables. You can be a Cubs fan, but if you meet these 3 things...I'll forgive you for that extreme error in judgment (I'll continue to make fun of you, but at least I'll forgive you). I don't care what you look like, I am looking for someone that I can spend the rest of my life with and these things are the things that will give you staying power in my book...
1. You must be a Christian. I really don't care what denomination you came from, but you better know where you stand when it comes to the Big Guy.
2. You must be respectful. Respectful of me. Respectful of my family. Respectful of my friends. I realize that some girls are independent and don't like doors opened for them....those girls are stupid.
3. You must be funny. Oh, son....I better think you are hilarious. I am not the kind of person that will laugh just to appease you and your ego, so if I'm laughing...you're in.

After the recent influx of requests for me to start an online dating profile, I feel as though I need to add a #4. So, here you go...

4. You must be a man that I did not meet online.

Don't get me wrong. If you are doing the whole online dating thing, more power to you. But let me repeat myself one last time. (I'm going to clear my throat here so that I can say this as clearly as possible...)
I. WILL. NEVER. DO. IT.

Does that mean that I'm cutting out a huge portion of the dating pool? Yes. Absolutely. I know that.
For me it comes down to the fact that I am more comfortable being single for the rest of my life than going online and trying to sell it.

But really...who wouldn't want this??

2 comments:

whatnot said...

Here's an example of someone who found true love on-line:
I met a girl recently who says she's engaged to an Australian gentleman and she met him on a fansite for Tranformers. Yes---you read it correctly. Those little toys that change from trucks to spiders or from motorcycles to scary space monsters. She was writing fan fiction about transformers (nerd alert!) and found her soulmate. Just gives you chills, doesn't it?

Alison said...

i need to tell you about my match.com experiences... perhaps i will blog about them....or, just email you :)