Monday, April 18, 2011

The Things I Learned in Texas...

About two weeks ago I received an email from Emily that asked if I would be able to visit her for a weekend in Dallas. Who would say "no" to that?? Within 24 hours, she had sent me my flight information and I was very much looking forward to seeing her. I'm not sure what I expected of Texas; the only time I had ever visited was during a layover in 2001 on my way to the world's classiest city, Cancun.
Here is the list of things that I learned during my travels to the great state of Texas:

-Horse decor is king.

-Don't ever pick the seat in front of an exit row. FAA regulations restrict you from reclining in your seat, but the FAA has no problem with the guy in front of you reclining into your lap.

-I'm pretty sure that my future husband is in the Dallas-Fort Worth metropolitan area. There is a rumor that the second nicest guy on the planet (any man will have a hard time beating Mike Grosz for the title of "Nicest Guy on the Planet", but we've already established that in countless previous blogs) has a single younger brother that is just as kind as his older counterpart (who happens to be Em's boyfriend), but also has wit that would be "just perfect" for me. Even if this fella is a myth and belongs in the land of unicorns, I was impressed by the number of gentlemen that I encountered. And, really...what middle-aged 28 year old doesn't want to bag herself a gentleman that can throw down with some inappropriate humor?

-"Middle-aged 28 year old?," you ask. Oh, yes. A 15 year old referred to me as an old person. I was also told by Em that I should not try to relate to a 17 year old because he can see through my attempt at being cool. In my defense, I was just trying to engage him in conversation and ask where he was going to go to college. Needless to say, that night was not a good one for my psyche and I'm starting to think that I need to start looking into homes for older adults.

-Even though there is a parking spot right by where the shuttle picks you up, don't take it if it is under a tree. After your vacation, you will find that your car has more bird poop on it than there are stars in the sky.

-"Baloop" is a catchphrase used (in any and all situations) by Em's assistant. This morning she insisted that she was dropping me off at the airport as a friend and not because she had to as part of her job...which would lead one to believe that she was really dropping me off at the airport because it was her job to do so. Baloop.

-Aveeno Positively Nourishing Hydrating Body Wash (in the fig + shea butter scent) smells delicious. I suppose this really shouldn't be on my blog as much as it should just be on my shopping list.

-Everything that those Axe commercials promise is true. At one point, Em and I passed around Stephen's (or "Phen" as we affectionately refer to him as) body wash like it was infused with some crazy pheromone that we couldn't refrain from inhaling. I must warn you, though...if you attempt to buy anything in the Axe family of products, please put it in a nondescript container. With product names like "Whatever", "Snake Peel", and "Music" (I swear, I'm not making these up), you'll be hard pressed to convince a girl that you're not a douche when she sees them in your bathroom.

-Although it's breezy, 73 degrees, and you have sunscreen on, you can still get burned if you fall asleep in a lounge chair.

-Everyone is nice. At one point I was riding in a car with Em's boyfriend and his car died at a stoplight. Just randomly...the battery died. Within 2 minutes, two different cars stopped to see if they could help. I'm convinced that both cars that stopped were just leaving the same church service where they were instructed to love thy neighbor...even if that neighbor's car has died and you are wearing your Sunday best.

-You know that feeling you get when you're at a college football game and everyone is cheering for a common cause? I'm convinced that everyone in Texas feels that way every day about their state. It kind of made me want to buy a Texas state flag and tease my hair really high.

-As much as politicians try to push the issue, illegal aliens do not make up 82% of Texas.

-Baseball is huge and dads still go watch their sons play in a game on a Sunday morning (even when their son is 35 years old). Also learned during this baseball game? Disgusting bathroom facilities at ballparks are a nationwide epidemic and even if you're playing in the outfield and think there is no chance of a line drive straight to your nuts, you may be sadly mistaken (as we learned that a pop fly can also cause an issue).

-No matter how wholesome the movie that you're watching in your home theater (btw...Book of Eli still stands up in a second run through), if you leave the TV on Cinemax, you're bound to walk back upstairs after the party is over only to find that there is 140" of porn playing on your wall.

-It's not abnormal to wave at cows. They are whimsical and it is perfectly acceptable to pretend that they are not there to be eaten.

So that's what I learned in 2 days. I can't wait to go back to learn more.
*sigh* I can't deny mind is a sponge and it's thirsty to learn everything that can be learned while on vacation.


Robin DuMont said...

OMG Seriously, best blog EVER! Literally had me laughing out loud. Baloop.

Robin DuMont said...

NOW I just re-read it out loud to Chris and we're both laughing. He loved the reclining seat lesson best. Baloop.