I stole them.

So many times I've read my favorite blogger's status updates on Facebook and wanted to steal them. Unfortunately, I'd feel too guilty if I did that and all of my Facebook friends (other than my momzy...she's already fake friends with him) have suffered for it. Suffered because they haven't gotten to read the awesome one liners.
Seeing that I want to remember these, I'm going to make a list of some of my faves...

LeBron James signs with Washington Generals. Promises to "Destory Curly and the rest of the Globetrotters next season."

"Retire, relax, enjoy your family. It is just a phone. Not worth it." Steve Jobs to mad customer. (I agree but Apple launched the iPhone 4 like it was made of unicorn tears)

"Eclipse is best Twilight film yet" (That's like saying "Getting punched hurts less than getting stabbed." It's relative)

"FIFA vows to fix officiating by November." Entire world points out that World Cup ends in July.

"This was a private incident between me and a bear," Best. Bear. Attack. Quote. Ever.

A guy is hitting on a girl on the train. I don't want to get off. It's like a low budget Bachelor. I want to see what happens next. Who will get the subway rose???

Watches don't break, they just become bracelets.

Portugal vs. Brazil is like a Kardashian-less version of the Lakers vs. the Celtics.

Sometimes I want to swim around in the Apple store like Scrooge McDuck in his money bin.

Diehard Lakers fan security guard jumped my car. Tempted to phone this day in to Delilah. Pretty sure Chicago can fix it.

It always terrifies me that airlines make you feel like it would only take one jerk playing bedazzled on their iPhone to crash the plane when electronics are supposed to be turned off.

Had dinner with MLB great John Smoltz last night. (He was a few tables over and didn't talk to me but that's semantics)

Just saw guy sitting in front of Apple store, using a Dell, wearing a shirt that said, "Your Mac sucks." He needed a hug.

Baseball announces they will not reverse perfect game call. Also tell kids Santa is not real & kicks puppy.

Burger King serving ribs might just be the fourth horseman heralding the end of days.

"Do you know the writer Jon Acuff? He lives near here." Stranger said to me at pool, upon meeting my family for first time. "I hear he's really handsome." My response.

There is no part of me that believes Kid Rock spent Detroit summers as a youth, "catching walleye & listening to Sweet Home Alabama"

I am convinced that the woman who turns on the light when she comes in at 9AM to work feels that the 20 of us who didn't turn it on are sitting in the dark because we were unable to find the switch.

Ever watch the last scene of the movie "Can't Hardly Wait" on Youtube over and over? No? Oh, me either. That'd be dumb.

Oil spill maybe "act of God." Texas Governor. (I'd argue but that breaks my "never argue with a guy who shot a coyote while jogging" rule)

NFL player Santonio Holmes kicked off plane for refusing to turn off iPod. Dang, how dope was the jam he had on! (My guess? It was Biz Markie, "Just a Friend." That song comes on, you don't turn it off.)

Okay...I'm forcing myself to stop. You get the point. I hope you found at least one as funny as I did.