You can't make this stuff up...
So, let me preface this by saying that Cassie and Joey's wedding was absolutely beautiful...and the quirks are what made the day even more memorable.
The day started off early. I did the things that needed to be done (yes, tanning NEEDS to be done....there is nothing worse that a pale fat white girl). I also went to Target. Oh, how I love Target...you can go in there trying to find one thing (in my case, aspirin), but you come out with so much more. I had a fabulous time finding tons of magical clearance items. Yes, I said it....it was magical.
After my magical trip to Target, I went home to take a shower and get dressed for the wedding. Nothing exciting happened in the shower, so nothing to report there...sorry.
I decided to do my hair and makeup at the church, so I packed up my car and went to meet the guys at the Heart of St. Charles. There, I found out that one of the groomsmen had to fly back home because his wife was in labor. Yeah, seriously...he took a flight out the morning of the wedding.
After getting everything figured out with that situation, I was on my way to the church. Of course, the thought didn't occur to me that no one would be at the church yet and I was locked out. No biggie, though. I would just go to Starbucks and get my favorite non-coffee drink (Vanilla Bean Frap....believe me, it's heaven in a plastic cup). While going through the Starbucks drive-through, I made the mistake of allowing a conversation to happen between myself and the Starbucks guy. Here's the convo...
Me: "How are you doing today?"
Crazy Starbucks Guy: "Bummed, I'm missing the Texas football game."
Me: "Oh, that sucks. Why are you such a big fan of Texas?" (Fatal mistake)
Crazy Starbucks Guy: "I'm actually from Texas. I dropped out of high school when my principal called me to the office and told me that I was going to be half a credit short for graduation. I was just like, 'peace' and he was like, 'You can't go anywhere!' and I'm like, 'Yeah, I can...I'm 18, I can do whatever I want.' So, I moved to Missouri with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry, but she broke up with me, so I tried to finish high school here. But, well, you know how it is..."
Me: (My inner monologue is going crazy here...because, I DON'T know how it is to drop out of high school and I don't know what it's like to have smoked so much pot that I'm telling a complete stranger my whole life story face to face. I personally prefer a blog to share my life with complete strangers.) I just reply with a simple, "Oh....yeah...good luck with that."
So, after my Starbucks trip, I headed back to the church to find that Debbie-Do was there. Now, for anyone who doesn't know Debbie, she is the church appointed wedding planner. A wedding planner that has obviously had a side of crazy with her Cheerios. She has a gift for being in a constant state of frantic-panicness, but really isn't around when you need her. Oh, and her license plate really says "DEBI-DO", which actually speaks of her insanity. She is obsessed with things like dots on the floor, ugly fabrics, and cheese/grapes/cracker platters (to keep the blood sugar level, of course. All I could think of when she was talking about the "blood sugar" thing was 'Where's the wine?')
The girls arrived and they were in a hurry to get their dresses on to get their pictures done before the guys got to the church. Everything went swimmingly until Rachel tried to get her dress on. Poor thing, the dang zipper would not budge. We tried everything....deodorant on the zipper teeth, having her lie down on the floor to get a running start, having her take off the dress to try and loosen up the zipper (it wouldn't even budge when the dress was off of her, why would be assume we could get it up with it on?). Nothing worked, eventually the decision was made that Rachel would get sewn into her dress. It was done with little time to spare...poor thing. I can't imagine standing in one position for over an hour with someone sewing you into a dress.
The ceremony felt like it was 5 minutes and then it was over and we were on our way to the reception. The food was delicious, but I would never recommend the Heart of St. Charles just for the fact that the staff was so rude! First, Molly was getting a drink from the champagne fountain and the evil wedding coordinator at the Heart of St. Charles came up behind her and grabbed her drink and said "You need to be 21 to drink that." To which, I replied "She is 21!" and she said "I'm going to need to see some ID."
Molly said, "Fine." and went to get it, when she returned to show it to Tawny. Tawny just looks at her and says, "I can't read this...I don't have my glasses."
Fine. Strike one against them.
The second incident happened when I went to the bar to get Laura a drink. I ask for a coke and a rum and coke. The bartender asked for ID and gave him mine. He hands it back to me and gives me a coke. Here is that exchange of words....
Me: "I also need my rum and coke"
Him: "Yeah, nice try."
Me: "Try? Are you kidding me? I just showed you my ID"
Him: "Yeah...right."
Me: "Give me the drink, I'm 23 freakin' years old."
Him: "Your birthday isn't until November."
Me: "WHAT??!?!? It's February 24, 1983" (and I hand him my ID AGAIN)
Him: "No, it says here November 12, 2005"
Me: "YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE ISSUE DATE! THAT WOULD MAKE ME A YEAR AND A HALF!"
Him: "Okay, fine...here's your drink"
Me (under my breath): "You suck balls."
Other than those little snafus, everything was absolutely perfect. Cassie was the most beautiful bride ever and it couldn't have been better....
So, there you go....the story of the wedding. If you are upset that this was so long, then YOU suck balls, too. Stop reading now....
I mean it....
Stop reading.
NOW.
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